The Rhetorical WHY?

I think we ask our children one question too often. Can you guess what it is?

“Why?”

"Why did you do that?"

"Why do you always...?"

"Why didn't you...?"

"Why can't you...?"

"Why do I have to ask so many times?"

Why? Why? Why?

But why do we ask our kids "why" so often?

Now, before we continue, let's acknowledge that some of our daily "why" questions are perfectly reasonable. We genuinely seek more information or a better understanding of a situation. However, I want to share three things for you to consider when it comes to the daily "why" questions you ask your child:

3 Ideas about "WHY?":

1. Are you trying to change how your child feels?

"Why are you sad?" or "Why are you angry?"

Certainly, it's okay to ask your child about their feelings. But consider this: Are you asking to genuinely understand their emotions or to change how they feel? Are you asking because their feelings make you uncomfortable and you're seeking the best way to make those feelings go away? There's a significant distinction there.

2. Are you truly asking a question, or just expressing frustration?

Let's dive deeper into the questions: "Why is your room still a mess?" or "Why do I have to tell you so many times?" If we look closely at these questions, we can see that they are more about expressing your frustration rather than seeking genuine answers. When you ask, "Why is your room still a mess?" it really means, "I'm upset that your room is still a mess." And when you ask, "Why do I have to tell you so many times?" it essentially means, "I'm frustrated that I have to repeat myself numerous times and you're not complying."

There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling frustrated. However, it's important to recognize that frustration may not be the most effective parenting approach. Instead of using accusatory or rhetorical "why" statements, let's focus on communicating authentically and directly.

"I can see your room is still a mess. It's time to clean up. Let's do it now."

"I've noticed I'm repeating myself a lot. I don't like it, and I bet you don't either. Let's focus on what needs to get done right now, even if it feels hard."

3. Are you prepared to accept their answer?

When you ask, "Why did you hit your brother?" or "Why are you getting out of bed again?" or "Why aren't you eating the dinner I made?" and your child responds with reasons like "Because he hit me..." or "Because I want another another drink water..." or "Because I don't like this food," what will you do? Are you ready to accept their answer?

Consider this: Is there any "good" reason for your child to hit their brother? Not really. So instead of asking why, focus on clear and direct boundaries:

"You cannot hit your brother, even if you're very upset with him."

If your child has already gotten out of bed multiple times and they provide an answer when you ask why they're doing it again, will you accept that answer? If not, avoid the why and stick to clear and direct boundaries:

"It's bedtime. Get back in bed now."

And here's a bonus idea to ponder: Can your child even answer your "why" question? Do they truly know why they did what they did? Do they have the capacity to comprehend, explain, and communicate the answer to you?

What do you think? Did you experience any "ah-ha" moments while reading this? I want you to know that the goal is never to "call you out" or make you feel bad. We're all guilty of asking these "why" questions frequently. The goal is to promote self-reflection and encourage growth through awareness. I hope this helps!