Setting Bounderies to Emotions? Maybe Not.

While it is important to set boundaries for your child's behaviors, it is advisable to avoid setting boundaries for their emotions. Let's delve into what this entails.

Pro Tip: The skills taught below apply to children of all ages, and are also effective in our daily communication with adults, though you will use age appropriate vocabulary.

When your child experiences anger (emotion), they may throw something (behavior). When they feel disappointed (emotion), they might scream loudly and slam their door (behavior). And when they feel excited (emotion), they may dance around (behavior). It is the underlying emotion or need (anger, disappointment, excitement, etc.) that triggers the outward behavior you observe (throwing, slamming, dancing, etc.).

The same principle applies to you. Your feelings also trigger behaviors such as yelling, walking away, taking deep breaths, smiling, or laughing (the possibilities are endless).

Boundaries serve as parameters for those outward behaviors we mentioned, not for the underlying emotions. It is perfectly okay for your child to feel upset, disappointed, angry or excited, but it is not acceptable to engage in throwing, slamming, or screaming when experiencing those emotions.

Emotions require:

Witnessing: "I see you, I hear you."

Validation: "Yes, I understand that it's challenging for you."

Acceptance: "It's okay to feel that way."

When we attempt to limit emotions with boundaries or through distractions, threats, or excessive accommodation, the emotions still persist but become suppressed and unresolved. Initially, it may seem counterintuitive, but the more you allow emotions, the more your child learns to accept, confront, and effectively manage them, leading to emotional regulation.

Behaviors require:

Boundaries: "I cannot allow you to do that."

Mentoring: "You can express your feelings in this way, not that way."

Monitoring: "I am right here."

Here are some examples of how this approach can be applied in real-life situations:

"We are going to the store, and there will be toys there. We won't be buying one today. You may want one, and you can express your upset with words. However, screaming in the store is not allowed."

"I've noticed that lately, when we leave the house, you tend to run off. That cannot happen. When we go outside, you need to hold my hand. You may feel like letting go and running off, but that is not permitted. It's okay to get upset and cry. We will still hold hands as we walk."

"You sound really frustrated. It's perfectly fine to feel frustrated. However, it is not okay to talk to me disrespectfully when you're frustrated. Take a deep breath and try again. I genuinely want to hear you."